Peace of Mind

I woke up today at around 6:00 am. The house was quiet. I felt better than I have in a long, long time. Other than my usual 2:00 a.m. wake up, I slept through the night, and so did Jericho.

You see, he still sleeps in our bed with us. Despite my tough talk before he was born -- that I was going to Ferberize this baby! -- he still sleeps with us and still wakes up to nurse. Yes, I'm still nursing him. I plan to stop when he's two (we'll see how that goes).

In truth, Jericho has the permanent position in our bed. My husband and I often fall to sleep in other places, on the couch downstairs or the futon in Jericho's bedroom. Like Oedipus, our child has supplanted the father in bed, with poor Bryan often relegated to the daybed in Jericho's room. It's not good, I know. I guess we were never committed fully to sleep training.

When the three of us are in bed together, none of us sleeps well. We toss and turn and wake each other up. We need a king-sized bed but the shape of our bedroom won't allow it. Any book would tell me that this is bad. I know, I know! But this is where we find ourselves.

Jericho doesn't even have a crib anymore. The sides were loose, so I disassembled it and assembled the step-two toddler bed. There's no way he's sleeping in there. There's nothing caging him in. I threaten him with going to sleep in your crib when he won't fall to sleep in bed with me. This sometimes works. In desperation, once in a while, I've put him in his room to cry and shut the door. Then I go get him ten minutes later and he'll often fall asleep, snuffling. No, I'm not going to write a healthy sleep book for toddlers.

I'm embarrassed about our predicament. However, to be candid, I like sleeping with baby. I like it when the three of us -- actually, four of us, because our dog sleeps in our bed too -- all sleep in the same bed. I put up with the baggy eyes (I've started wearing makeup) and sore shoulders and neck because I love the closeness. Now that I'm back at work full time and I can't spend most days with Jericho, I want to spend at least those nighttime hours together. I don't like the thought of him so far away and alone in his room. He doesn't like that thought either.

But he will eventually. Let's hope so.